Tufts Blogs

It’s great to look ahead towards who I am becoming. But sometimes, I find myself thinking of who I used to be- my past self. While she is of course still a part of me in some microscopic yet substantial way, she is also just a part of my history. I usually talk about her in the past tense. 

If I could sit with her, I would tell her about all the things I wish she knew before college. 

Around this time last year, she was incredibly anxious about college applications. There were 17 prospective universities on her list, each with its own unique essays. She was staying up till 6 a.m. pushing through a hefty writer's block, feeling burnt out and scared. Drowning in deadlines and confusion about college, she was lost. The idea of college combined with transitioning into adulthood, a time to discover herself, was chaotic. 

I wish she knew it was okay to not have her life together. When you spend hours watching “How I Got Into (insert prestigious university here)” youtube videos, it’s easy to compare yourself to students with perfect GPAs and outstanding extracurriculars. I even remember feeling insecure that I had not jump-started my own business. Instead, my GPA was far from perfect and I invested time into small projects. What GPA couldn’t display, however, was that I spent most of my time taking care of my three younger brothers while my parents worked to keep a house over our heads. My life did not have to look like someone else’s. 

I wish she knew everything was going to work out. Of course, being scared is okay and that’s exactly what I was- actually scared was all I knew. Since I was young, my anxiety kept me in a constant state of alarm and panic. I was always stuck in my own thoughts, worried I’d choose the wrong university and end up unhappy hundreds of miles from home. Committing to Tufts was the first time in a long time I felt like my younger self. How could I, such a terrified and incapable girl, move across the country all on my own? Looking back, I should have committed sooner. A life was waiting so eagerly for me to live outside of Texas. And this life was so fearless. 

I wish she knew how much she was going to grow. For a long time, the universe was my small town. Of course, I had heard of cities like Boston and New York City, but I never thought I’d see them outside of my tiny television screen. I believed I’d grow old in my hometown and start a family there as my parents did. I realize now how many people I had yet to enjoy and that had yet to enjoy me. There was passion, art, love, waiting at Tufts to craft me into my truest self. There were things I would discover and adventures into my own mind I’d take every day that would push me to become me. 

Before I came to Tufts, I wish I knew how to work the transit system or how to balance an academic and social life. But the things I couldn’t learn through a simple google search or through a friend, the things I had to learn on my own, run deeper. So what I truly wish I knew around a year ago when I was anxious about leaving high school behind and almost fearfully didn’t commit to Tufts, is best described in this quote by John Green:

“It is so hard to leave—until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world.”