Say Yes to... Peaceful Family Negotiations
The biggest long term project with immense personal and financial implications I ever had to work on closely with my parents was my college search. That was, until I got engaged. Now mom, dad, and I are hustling from ballroom to ballroom asking questions about requirements, costs, the coordinator-bride relationship, vibe, and quality of food while we swing unexpectedly through phases of laughter, tears, screaming and hugging. Turns out finding and applying to college and planning a wedding are eerily similar.
One way or another, my parents and I made it through the college process and can now reflect fondly on that time in my life. I’m sure (someday) the same will be true with my wedding. But in both circumstances, making it out alive requires love, cooperation, communication, and patience. With the goal of smooth sailing for all families in mind, I thought I’d share some advice for the parents and students who are courageously limping through the college process. So, from one normal-to-moderately-dysfunctional family to another:
Let yourself laugh. It’s crafting 250-word essays and choosing veil length, not brain surgery. At no point are we dealing in life and death matters here (even if it feels that way). Remember that it will all be fine (you WILL go to college, I WILL get married), and allow yourselves to enjoy the little things. When the Southern tour guide who’s been talking in a pretentious British accent for no identifiable reason suddenly busts out in the school’s alma mater in full vibrato under a decorative rotunda (true story from my search), elbow your child in the ribs and share a snicker. When the wedding coordinator mentions you can place the sweetheart table on a stage inside a massive, human-sized bird cage, cherish the moment. Stress or no stress, that is hilarious.
Be honest. It’s always the best policy. Don’t be rude or overly blunt or too sassy for your own good, but everyone should be on board to cut out the nonsense and have real conversations. Students, if you’re just not interested in mom’s alma mater, tell her gently but tell her. Parents, if you’re not comfortable with the financial aid estimates you’ve seen, let your son or daughter know that they need financial “safeties” too. Tough though it might be to hear that my fiancé’s parents object to a wedding at a brewery, or that your son or daughter wants to go to college as far away from home as possible, it’s still best to be clear and transparent.
Set up boundaries. Do this early, and remind each other that they exist often. I think you can break boundaries into three pieces: timing, opinions, and power. For timing, discuss when college/wedding talk is ok. All the time? Any time except meals? Only during your designated weekly pow-wow? On opinions: I think it’s healthy to agree to listen carefully to all opinions on all sides. What you do with those opinions is another boundary to establish, but things go smoother when people feel heard. Also, decide who outside of your family is permitted an opinion. Are you comfortable with hearing pearls of wisdom mom and dad found online? Is it ok for them to discuss your plans with friends? Co-workers? Neighbors? Fourth cousins four times removed? Find a line that feels comfortable and stick to it. Finally: power. This is/should be a student-centered process (or a bride/groom-centered process in my case), but know which trump cards the parents have on hold (it might be money, distance, etc.). Know who’s in charge when, and respect it.
Remember that money matters. No matter your age, familial financial affairs can feel taboo and uncomfortable. But we’re all adults and we owe it to ourselves to be upfront and honest about the realities of our circumstances. It matters that I know (and accept) that I can’t afford to hire David Tutera or the band I’ve been coveting for years. It also matters that parents and students come to the table to discuss the variation between financial aid packages, what level of borrowing is acceptable, and how much effort should be put into applying for outside scholarships.
Accept the crazy. At some point, in the next few months: a student will slam a bedroom door shut after hearing a harmless question about college, a dad will fume as a child puts off registering for the SAT for another day, I will cry over a fabric swatch that isn’t quite green enough, and my mom will snap at me for asking if she called the florist yet. These might seem like massive overreactions (they are), but be forewarned that something like this will happen eventually. Tensions and stakes are high, and everyone’s a bit stressed. Just know that, when the wacky comes up, it’s because each party has made an emotional investment and you’re all feeling a lot of feelings. You know, because you’re family. And you love each other.