As I sit in the overwhelmingly and insanely busy Hong Kong airport, I can't help but reminisce about the past three months that have gone by much faster than my mind can comprehend. For the past week, of course, I had known I was leaving soon, but I could not comprehend it until now. I am no longer surrounded by the seven other people who make up my goofy and kind cohort, nor am I being guided by my incredible instructors, P’Bo and Hannah.
We did an activity during our excursion in Chiang Dao where there were many quotes, and we picked three: our favorite, one that challenged us, and one that changed the way we thought about something. Though I cannot remember the quote word for word, to sum it up, it said that we would never be the same person as we were in that exact moment at that time. That concept slowly began to haunt me (for lack of a better word) as my departure date from Chiang Mai came closer and closer. The quote hit me hardest as I said my last goodbyes to my peers and waved to my instructors one last time before going through security in the Chiang Mai Airport. It is hard for me to fathom not being together in the same place anymore, as much as we tried to convince our instructors to become future Jumbos.
Now, as I sit in the Hong Kong airport watching the sun set across the mountains, I am feeling so many emotions, one of them best captured by the Portuguese word “Saudade,” which is best described as a nostalgic longing for a beloved yet absent something. As I continue to reflect, I think this feeling will follow me for a while. In moments when I speak Tinglish (Thai and English) and no one laughs or quite understands, my heart will hurt just a little. Or in moments when I cook Mae Wandee’s recipes but they just don’t taste quite as good as when I was there in Huai Lan. I believe a small portion of my heart was left behind in Thailand, which is honestly good news for me because it means I must return to get it back :)
Of course, I could not write this without actually including a quote, and there is none better than this one, from Anthony Bourdain himself, who said, “Travel isn’t always pretty. It isn’t always comfortable. Sometimes it hurts; it even breaks your heart. But that’s okay. The journey changes you; it should change you. It leaves marks on your memory, on your consciousness, on your heart, and on your body. You take something with you. Hopefully, you leave something good behind.” I know that I have learned so much and am so excited to tell and teach everyone when I get home. And, I hope that the Huai Lan community and my instructors know that this experience has had a lasting impact on me. I also hope that I was able to leave something good behind for someone, no matter how small.
As I attempt to readjust to the New England weather and lower levels of sunshine, I think there is a part of me that will mourn Thailand, but there is also endless gratitude for this rich experience and my personal growth in these three months.