“Are you happy?”
A fairly innocuous question, certainly. What alarms me, however, is how often this question has been popping up in recent conversations with friends and family, and the inevitable looks of disbelief that result when I say I am, in fact, quite content with how college is going.
Why the disconnect? My reply is neither a straight up lie, nor a hasty diversion to avoid talking about life. And yet I’m always left wondering why I have to justify this simple statement to everyone.
After a number of concerned inquiries from family members and casual conversations with friends, it occurred to me that despite my heartfelt belief that life here is going swimmingly, I’m probably not supposed to acknowledge that. If I do, it’s perceived as a failure on my part to think critically, or at worst, some sort of grand self-delusion. Which brings me to this blog, and my concerns that what I say here is not an accurate representation of life at Tufts at all.
All the snapshots of my experience as an undergrad at Tufts I’ve shared here have been terribly upbeat and optimistic. But the keyword is “snapshots” – I don’t claim that every single minute at Tufts is as wonderful. In fact, when my friends or family sit me down for some soul-searching, I’m probably the farthest away from this unabashed cheerfulness. I’m most likely panicking about an unfinished assignment, or contemplating the long list of responsibilities that come from various commitments around campus , or worrying that I am not planning ahead well enough for the future.
There are days when I feel like every single thing that I’ve done was a mistake, and I feel like re-evaluating all my life choices up until that moment. There are times when I feel constricted by our small engineering program, which makes me wonder if I could have accomplished more had I chosen to go elsewhere. Some days, I feel so horribly out of touch with the society here and overwhelmingly isolated. Doubts, insecurities, and stress come part and parcel of life as a college student – that’s simply a matter of fact.
But should these concerns colour my entire experience of college? I’m inclined to say no. Putting aside all these worries and looking at the bigger picture, I’d say that being here has so far been a positive experience. I have had the opportunity to explore so many new avenues, meet wonderful people, do things that I’d have never thought possible two years ago. And that’s probably what is reflected in my posts.
But it doesn’t mean that my experience here hasn’t been without flaws and frustrations. Would another school have been better for me than Tufts? Perhaps. Could I be happier elsewhere? Potentially.
But this doesn’t change the fact that I am here, by my own choice. And when someone asks me if I’m happy, I put aside everything and think, am I happy at this given moment? Maybe not. But when all’s said and done, am I happy with the choices I’ve made so far?
And I find that the answer is always yes.
So I stand by my claim.